One of the best ways to improve your health is to have lots of loving relationships with true connection and contribution. Please visit The Gottman Relationship Blog, where I really enjoyed this quote:
In The Relationship Cure, Dr. Gottman says,
“One of the most delightful – and volatile – aspects of friendship is the voluntary nature of it all. Whether it’s a cup of coffee, a lavish gift, or an offer to stay by your sickbed, favours from friends are intentional acts of generosity. Friends are not obligated to us by law, economics, or family bonds. Our friends turn towards our bids for connection simply because they want to, and that’s what makes those relationships so rewarding. By the same token, our friendships often suffer from a lack of time because of all our other commitments and obligations. So it often takes a bit of extra effort and creative thought to find opportunities for turning towards your friends.”
The exercise below may help you to find opportunities to turn towards your friends:
- Ask “How are you?” in a way that shows you’d really like to know.
- Listen to their stories and jokes (even if you’ve heard them before).
- Return the things you borrow.
- Offer spur-of-the-moment invitations to coffee, dinner, or drinks (but don’t be hurt if your friends can’t come).
- Accept spontaneous invitations when you can (but don’t feel guilty when you can’t make it).
- Ask for advice, but don’t feel obligated to take it.
- Ask friends if they’d like your advice before you offer it. If they say yes, share your wisdom. Don’t be disappointed when they don’t do what you suggest!
- Know when what you are asking for is too much.
- Ask your friend about his or her childhood. Listen.
- Remember his or her birthday with a card or gift.
- Nod in agreement when your friend says positive things about his or her partner.
- Notice and say positive things about your friend’s children.
- Ask your friend about his or her dreams, goals, and visions. Listen.
- Offer compliments.
- Accept apologies.
- Ask you friends about their life stories. Listen.
- Ask your friends about their parents. Listen.
- Tell them it’s okay to call anytime.
- Let them off the hook when they say, “I can’t do it. I’m exhausted.”
- Drive them to the airport when they are going away on a special journey or a difficult trip.
- Let them be as upset as they need to be.
- Support their efforts at health improvement.
- Encourage their efforts to build skills, learn more, become more.
- Offer to help our when your friend is stressed.
- Ask for help.
- Let them help you.
- Monitor your friend’s well-being, and be there in good times or bad.
- When you lose track of each other over time, try to pick up where you left off.
I’ve noticed that with my friends, and trusted colleagues at work, that slowing down and really engaging in these types of bids is so key to cultivating trust and connection. It’s very easy to get distracted by life’s pace and gadgets when in fact the most satisfying opportunity – of being seen, and seeing someone else fully as the perfectly imperfect individuals they are – is always available to us.
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Adaptive Talent is a talent consultancy designed to help organizations achieve amazing results and ongoing adaptability. Founded in 2008 and based in Vancouver, Canada we offer retained search, assessments, total rewards consulting, training, leadership coaching and development programs, and culture & organizational development consulting.